10 Healthy Foods For The Health-Conscious Consumer
The United States is quickly becoming one of the unhealthiest countries in the entire world. It’s not because of malnutrition; it’s because of poor nutrition. Our citizens have become obsessed with all the wrong things. They praise the benefits of eating “super foods” like avocados, prunes, cranberries, broccoli and tofu without actually telling us the major, major health risks behind eating these foods.
What if you’re allergic to raw vegetables? What happens then, huh? All those super foods aren’t so SUPER anymore, eh? That’s why I’ve created this list of ten extremely healthy foods for the health-conscious consumer – those that are worried about allergic reactions, fat content, protein content, calorie count, etc. If you eat these ten foods I can almost guarantee that you will live a robust lifestyle.
1. Bacon – “OMG look at all that fat!” What, you don’t have any taste buds? I don’t want to hear about how bad bacon is for you… Let’s look at the fact that before every game he plays, LeBron James eats 10 strips of bacon to get the correct amount of sodium in his body so that he can run up and down the floor and dominate basketball games like the King he’s been made out to be. What, you thought he was using PEDs? Ha, dummy: The King’s secret is BACON!
2. White Bread – I still don’t understand this one… Multigrain, one-grain, two-grain, who cares how many grains there are? Everybody acts like they’re going to lose soooo much weight just by switching from two slices of one kind of bread on their sandwich to two slices of another kind of bread. They don’t realize that it’s actually the extraordinary amount of mayonnaise they put on the sandwich that’s making them balloon up.
3. McDonald’s Apple Pies – Listen, you all need to stop complaining about all the sugar in these delectable treats. What you all fail to recognize is that these things are actually made from FRESH APPLES, handpicked off of a tree from a non-GMO using Macintosh apple field. Two Apple Pies a day keeps the doctor away.
4. Frozen Meals – All the pretentious people going out on talk shows and trying to defame frozen foods for their general unhealthiness deserve to be fed sunflower seeds for the rest of their lives. They just don’t seem to understand that after a hard day at work, sometimes you just don’t have enough time or energy to cook a “fresh” meal. Besides, if you’re worried about it being “fresh,” just check the expiration date and you’ll be good to go!
5. Pizza – If y’all couldn’t tell by my blog post about the ten different types of pizza a couple months ago, I think it’s fair to say that I’m a pizza connoisseur. And that’s another reason why I get so upset at health freaks: What’s wrong with a little bit of pizza on a slow, lazy day? You got your calories in the dough, your protein in the cheese, and your veggies in the sauce… What’s wrong with pizza? Answer: Nothing.
6. French Fries – Forget about the sweet potato fries, or the baked fries, or any of the non-fried fries. Fries need to be fried! That’s the basis of their name. Potatoes are actually a very healthy vegetable as well. Remember mom always telling you that you can eat as many veggies as you want? Well, that’s not entirely true, but it’s definitely true for fried potatoes.
7. Milkshakes – This is the one that gets me every time: Milkshakes are a wonderful source of protein! And there really isn’t any better way to make your child hyper and smiley for 15 minutes only to see them pass out due to indigestion an hour later than by feeding them a large, 1,000-calorie milkshake. Ice cream may not be the best thing you could eat, but when you combine it with whole milk and more sugar it really has all the nutrients a child needs.
8. Potato Chips – This right here is the perfect snack. In fact, potato chips are so perfect that they should sell them in movie theaters instead of that stale popcorn. Kids – your parents might get mad at you for eating a lot of potato chips, but you need to tell them the bright side in eating a pack of Doritos meant to serve 16 people: You could be eating dog food.
9. Hot Dogs – Honestly, you’re not a legal American citizen unless you like hot dogs. Seriously. The wiener is part of our culture, jah feel? They try to tell us all these myths, saying, “Hot dogs are made from meat trimmings and fat!” Are you kidding me? Y’all don’t know what you’re talking about. Hot Dogs are Grade A (or at least Grade B) beef. Hot Dogs rank up there with Steak in terms of overall beef quality.
10. Donuts – The original breakfast staple. A greasy, sugary, melt-in-your-mouth wonderful concoction that doesn’t deserve the negative connotation it receives. All these Negative Nancies out there don’t seem to understand that normal people don’t get full by eating a single donut. To truly satisfy your hunger, you need to eat two, three, maybe even four. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just wash it down with a coffee and watch what happens!
Happy April Fool's Day!